Relationship, Love and Sex.
Over the winter break I had the opportunity to read an amazing book which is improving thousands of marriages. It is called ‘The Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands’ written by Dr. Laura. This book is not only good for marriages; it can apply to all relationships whether it be with a spouse, parent, child, friend etc. I think we could all agree that men and women are very different in their own unique ways. However in today’s society, many people challenge that by putting men and women in the same category. This is one of the reasons why many women want men to be their ideal man. When I say ideal, I mean he is supposed to not do what is in his nature to do already, but to play the role of the best friend and give women whatever their heart desires. But men are happiest being men and women are happiest being women, with a few exceptions. The differences start to manifest themselves early on in childhood and carry on throughout adulthood. Understanding that, is just the first part on working towards fixing your relationship and making your life more positive and fulfilling. In the book, the key to improving your relationship is to see that the only changing that needs to take place in the relationship is with oneself. A lot of readers are probably like,
“What the hell! Why would I only need to change myself
when a relationship works both ways.”
Well to answer that, you cannot change the person you are with, you can only change yourself. If you were to, let’s say, try and change the person you are with, they would not be being true to themselves and would end up resenting you in the process. In the beginning of the relationship, you fell in love with all their quirks and everything that made them who they are and then something switches and you want more. Why? Because that is what society has told you your whole life. However, you have to take a step back and remember who the person isw that you fell in love with and remember everything that attracted you to them to begin with. You picked them and if you don’t like the person you picked, then leave. But don’t try to change who they are - they are unique in their own way and someone somewhere will love them with everything they have. In the book, she talks about the fact that men need women and that is so true! This need emphasizes the influence a woman has. She states that men are,
“Simple creatures who come from women, are nurtured and brought up by a woman and yearn for the continued love, admiration and approval from women.”
Women have great power and influence over men, and wives in particular have tremendous power over their husbands. So with all this power, what do you do next? You put him first! That is what you do. You put your life partner before everyone, including the kids. Yes! That’s right, even before the kids. The person you fell in love with was there before your kids. They helped make them, so neglecting the person that helped you make the little bundles of joy is not an option. A writer wrote in to Dr. Laura stating that,
“Once a woman has children, her husband is relegated to
the moral equivalence of a piece of furniture”.
How sad if this is true in many marriages. Dr. Laura puts it like this: “After wives became mothers, they had no time to be wives. The men would even compliment their wives on being great mothers, but expressed considerable pain over not being shown love, affection or sexual interest. The typical reply from a wife challenged with this was ‘I only have time to take care of one person and our child is that person. I’m just too tired for you.’ This puts fathers in the ugly and uncomfortable position of feeling competitive with and resentful of their children, whom they love so much.” Not only does the book talk about how wives should put their husbands first, but also to remind them to be who they were in the beginning of the relationship. Women tend to dress really sexy in the beginning but then start letting themselves go and looking frumpy later on. Men really want their wives to be sexy. I’m not saying that they want you to be a supermodel. Yes, they like to look at super models but what they really want, is to see that their partner took the time to dress up, do their hair and makeup and smell good, just for them.
Other common mistakes women make in a relationship involve nagging a lot and over-talking everything; not every thought/feeling needs to be mentioned. Women tend to be verbal; so expressive that they tend to tire men out easily, unless they exercise some restraint. Many women think that men are very intuitive and they get caught up in the romanticized notion that,
“If he loved me, he would know what I’m thinking,
what I would like and what he should say.”
This doesn’t work out because a man’s brain is not programmed in that way. Men hear women, but they hear the things that are only necessary for the topic of the conversation; everything else is tuned out. It’s not that the things women are saying aren’t important, it’s just that some things don’t need to be said. If a woman wants her man to do something she should ask him plainly, without nagging, and show appreciation when he does it. To act in any other way would show arrogance and a lack of respect for the husbands differences. It can also lead to unhappiness in the relationship.
If your partner wants to be intimate with you give them what they need, but never turn them down. They aren’t doing it just to do it. They want to feel close to you and they want that connection with you. The moment you start pushing them away, you will be pushing them into the arms of someone else. Doing simple little things for the person you’re with will make them happy and in return it will make you happy too.
This book is not just for the relationship between a husband and a wife; it can apply to anybody that you come into contact with. The lesson to learn from this is to put others before yourself. Giving them what they need will lead to them giving to you in return. If someone has had a bad day, sit down and talk to them about it with a listening ear and open arms. It is best that when someone does confide in you - do not push your views and opinions on them - but be the one allowing them to vent as that is what they need.
The feminist notions in today’s society is that women have power if they do it all. This has obstructed women’s ability to realize that in life we all make choices; the true joy and meaning of life is not in how many things we have or do, but in the sacrifice and commitment we make to others with the choices we have made. We can’t have everything we want, but without enjoying and appreciating the gifts, blessings and all we do have, we create hell on earth for ourselves and for those who love us.
